My very own Iron Chef

  I apologize for the picture – photo cameras were forbidden.

…..Call me……on your    “Layover”  from Detroit to who knows where……

According to the medical dictionary heart is  a hollow muscular organ that pumps the blood through the circulatory system by rhythmic contraction and dilation.

Hollow,  our heart is hollow?

From  Molière to Shakespeare, from Pushkin to Pasternak  heart and love are inseparable.

 Lord Byron :

Alexander Pushkin:

Boris Pasternak :

Paul Laurence Dunbar:

Be kind to you heart – it’s anything but hollow!

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Farewell, Letter of Love! farewell: it’s her desire.
How long did I delay! How long refused, in ire,
I to destroy the single joy of mine!...
Enough! The time has come. Burn, scripts of love divine.
I’m ready; nothing else can call for my sad soul…
Now the greedy flame is touching its form whole…
A minute!… it is flamed and blazing – smoke, light,
With my bitter laments, is flying of my sight.
And now the ring’s stamp forfeited its form previous –
It’s boiling – the seal wax… O, Providence of Heavens!
That’s all! The letter’s leaves are twisted, now black;
On their light ashes their well known track      
Is whitening… My heart is squeezed. Oh, dear ashes,
In my sad destiny, my poor consolations,
Forever lie on breast, so fully, fully wracked…

Silence…..

7:05 a.m. Me: Maaaaaaax get up and get down, I don’t want to be late for a bus again.

Silence……

7:25 a.m. Me: Maaaaaaaaaax, I am leaving and I don’t care if you going to make it to school or not (lie, that works every time. )

7:25 a.m. Max: Mom, do I have to go to school today, I am tired and I don’t want to get up!

7:26 a.m. Me: Almost pulling my hair out and screaming of the top of my lungs… I don’t have time for this if you are not up in 2 seconds – watch me leave the house.

7:26 a.m. Alex from his room: Stop yelling everyone,  some of us don’t have to get up for work/school or anything in between.

7:30 a.m. I am completely out of steam giving Max his breakfast ( after all – what is the most important meal of the day?)

By the time we are ready to get out of the door, I feel like taking another shower (why do I bother every morning? )

7:45 .m. We are finally at the bus stop waiting, waiting, waiting. It’s been 15 minutes and Max started to look at me funny…

8:00 a.m. Me: Max if we missed the bus again, I am going to kill you (of course I am not going to kill him, I love him!)

8:05 a.m. I am calling the school – Sorry if you are waiting for a bus it’s not coming – few of our buses had mechanical issues and we are only now making phone calls, sorry if we missed you, but we have a very long list…….

8:05 a.m. I am fuming and I can’t even scream at Max anymore. He victoriously smiles!!!

9:15 a.m. an hour later I am finally at my work desk. Just give me my coffee, don’t bother me for few minutes/hours  and please DO NOT YELL – I  am here to relax!

image via Google

I experienced a major cultural shock today. I would say that after living here for 21 years nothing should shock me anymore, but oh boy how wrong I was.

Hear me out and please, please tell me I am not crazy -  or maybe I am.

As part of Max’s class preparation for their upcoming B’nai Mitzvah, they give the kids a funeral home tour to learn about death and its traditions in the Jewish culture. Yes, you read this right – funeral home. This event was mandatory for kids and parents to attend. When I first read about it, I was strongly opposed to it. I did not want to attend and I did not want Max to attend either, but I guess we had no choice – we had to go.

My first reaction was – who is doing a field trip to a funeral home, it’s not a theater, it’s not a museum, so why are kids as young as 13 years old being forced to learn about death?!

See, the way I grew up, death was a very gruesome and somber occasion. All of our parents were children of war and death to them and to us was associated with something horrible. Back in the USSR there were no funeral homes, so the bodies of the loved ones stayed in the same place with you until they were buried. Now, my American friends, just picture this: for 3 sometimes 5 days you have a dead body in your little apartment – this whole concept made me afraid of death in a major way. I never got over it and I am not sure I never will.

Today I saw how my child and his friends approach death, and I realized that they don’t really separate death from life, they accept the fact that all of them one day in their life will be faced with death and they should know how to deal with it.

They asked questions – I should say smart questions, they participated in discussions and they even laughed about it. I have to give kudos to a funeral director, who made this “field trip” light even for me, although I refused to look at caskets and see some other parts of the funeral homes. I stopped my education short and waited for my 13 year – old to finish the “tour” without me. Please tell me I am not being over dramatic about it. He is now in bed reading his book and laughing about his favorite character and I still can’t shake off the feeling that I just touched death…..

I came in 5 minutes before my time, and she only had one more lady before me; let’s call her “L.” “Perfect!” I thought – great timing, I will be in and out without any delays….I plugged in my headphones trying to concentrate on Nabokov’s “Lolita” on my ipod, but …….

I got sucked into the conversation- no, this is not entirely accurate – I “overheard” the conversation between L and M. (I should have turned my ipod on full blast).

Here you go, try to read this with a very heavy Russian accent!

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L: Listen, M did you hear about Paul?

M: No, which one Paul I or II?

L: Paul II, did you hear: his wife caught him kissing Paul I .

M: Then it does not matter which Paul you are telling me about Paul I or II it’s about the two of them.

L: Don’t interrupt and just listen. His poor, poor wife comes home a little early from work and finds her beloved Paul, who is suppose to baby sit their dog, tangled up in a passionate kiss with another Paul .

M: Oh, thank G-d it wasn’t a girl. It’s so much better than he was just kissing another guy, that means there is still room for her in this marriage.

L: Are you crazy?!?! Are you listening to what you are saying? By the way I would like my bangs to be shorter this time. Can you please make them shorter?

M: You don’t look good with short bangs, let me do my job. So what is Paul’s wife going to do?

L: Which Paul, I or II?

M: I am confused I thought both Pauls were involved…..

L: Then which wife are you talking about? Don’t forget about my haircut , I want it a little fluffy this time, last time you made my head too flat.

M: You have a lot of hair, it needs to be flatten, are you going to let me do my job, or just going to boss me around? When you sit in my chair – you be quiet and let me create. Anyway tell me about Paul’s wife…

L: Which one?

M: I don’t care which one – both of them.

L: I am not sure what they going to do and to be honest with you I am not sure that this whole story makes any sense. I heard it from K and she heard it from F, who heard it from her hairdresser.

M: Oh, I know her hairdresser, I am going to call and get to the bottom of this. When you come over next time I’ll tell you all about. Now, look how beautiful you look with your new hair. “Rada, she turns to me, doesn’t she looks gorgeous?” Yes, yes she does – I reply, while making myself comfortable at the chair in front of the mirror.

Lady L paid and left and now it’s my time.

M: Did you hear about Paul and Paul.

Me: I don’t know them…..

M: Honey, I am so glad we have a lot do today, while I do your hair I will tell you a story about Paul and Paul and their wives and their dog…..

Me: I don’t know all these people and I don’t care, please don’t tell me.

….but it was too late … My darling M was ready for my hair and my ears regardless of my interest….

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…And the bulb went on in my head:

I got married at the age of 20; some of my girlfriends did it right after high school. It was a saying back in the USSR that if you are not married by the time you are 20 years old you are an old mate. So we all rushed, rushed into marriage. I remember that when we were leaving for the USA, one of my closest friends was 23 years old and not even dating anyone-I was terrified for her, I felt like I shouldn’t be abandoning her without helping her find the “right” man. She phoned me here 2 years later to let me know that she is marrying someone 5 year her junior, but she just had to do it, otherwise she will end up alone. Back then it was unheard of , but little did I know she was the one who started the ” cougar” trend.  She is still happily married to her young (not so much anymore) husband of 18 years.

Being married back then meant forever! Nobody dated for years, you saw each other – you liked each other – three months later you were husband and wife. All the young couples would have to live with their parents (the situation with living spaces was tough)/ Imagine a 1/2 bedroom apartment with 2, sometimes 3 families living together. No one could even think about divorce, because no one had anywhere to go. I know it’s hard to explain, but people stuck together for better or for worse…. The word “divorce“ equaled the word “ death“, at least in my mom’s world. Of course people got divorces, but they were very, very rare.

….. and then we came here to find out that divorce rate in US  is 50%  – what!? Are you kidding me, why even get married, but to get divorced at the age of 99 is a bit too much.  Do you think it’s justifiable of him to hold a grudge against something that happened  60 years ago or is it his Italian temper acting up?

It’s the time of year again when some of us look back to see what was accomplished within the last 12 months. I am not any different, except for the fact that I have the list from last year .

So let’s see how good or how bad was I:

1. Celebrated 2011 New Year in Mexico  – done!

2. My hubby and I celebrated our 20th anniversary living in America and ironically did it in Mexico.

3. Hmmmmm, reading more books with my younger son – definitely tried, but then he is old enough to read by himself.

4. My older son finished with college – our last check for his BA was cashed in November, he moved back home and hopefully if everything goes as planned he will be in school again getting his MA next September.

5. My mom stopped wearing her hearing aid completely and I stopped fighting with her about it. I now scream from the bottom of my lungs for her to hear me.

Everything else on the list does not matter, if it did or didn’t happen, who cares.  I know some of you will argue that this was a terrible year – earthquake and tsunami in Japan, earthquake in Chile, earthquake in New Zealand, I could go on and on about how terrible this year was for our economy, politics and whatnot, but the truth is, it was a wonderful year for me and I don’t want to complain really.

I am looking forward to 2012 and hope that it will be better than the one we are leaving behind. Many of us believe that this will be the year when everything ends, I say to them: we survived for 5771 years (Hebrew calendar) and we are here to stay for at least another 5771 years.

Here are few things I am looking forward to:

1. January – Celebrating with my friends and family (by now you already know it will be a wild celebration – not really.) Skiing and snowboarding is hardly wild.

2. February – attending Anthony Bordain’s show, who is finally coming to Detroit.

3. March – My younger son’s  BarMitzvah – actually I am looking forward to a day after his Bar Mitzvah, when all the craziness will be done with and all the guests will go back home (shhhhh). In case you miss it here is who (in moderation)  I will be by the time I will be done with all the preparations for Max’s Bar Mitzvah Party.

4.  April – attending another Italian cooking class at Chateau Chantal in our local “Napa Valley”!

5. May – my birthday, believe it or not the big one is coming up this year, and even though I’m getting older, inside I am still a kid, who is looking forward to a party.

7. July – upcoming trip to Alaska – I can’t wait!!!

9. September – my older son starting new school(well, he better, otherwise he’s moving out!)

I have not thought about the rest of the months, but I guarantee you, they will be great ……and of course in my plans for the New Year is to write, write, write!

Have a wonderful New Year everyone! Thank you for sticking around!

I thought I’d never say that, but I actually want snow-yes I do!

Ideally for kids, this how a typical December day should look like in Michigan:

(December 2010, I probably complained then, that it was too much show. Hey
I am Jewish – we excel in complaining!)

Rain and fog is not my idea of winter break! This is what we woke up to today:

I don’t care what anybody says, but today is the first full day of winter and we are in Michigan, so it should be snowing!

You see, back then no one was allowed to believe in G-d, we all believed in communism, and all our holidays were also very “communistic”. Therefore, instead of Christmas and Chanukah which was way too religious for us, we celebrated New Year with a New Year tree and Grandpa Frost aka Santa. Our Santa did not have elves and reindeers, he had a granddaughter. I have no idea what her role was, except for looking pretty. I wrote all about this in my old post “My Jewish love for Santa Claus”.

Today I want to tell you about how we tried to merge our New Year tree tradition here in America and how we succeeded!

Imagine us – young Russian Jewish immigrants living in our first 2 bedroom apartment with a 2-year old at the time. We tried to be good parents and tried to teach our young son everything what we knew and of course we did not want him to forget where he came from. New Year’s of 1992 was coming up, my hubby went to get a tree and let me tell you people - after Christmas – trees were free, and we did not have to pay for one. We got our beautiful tree up on the 2nd floor of our flat and started to decorate with all the ornaments we brought with us from Russia.

At around 9:00 p.m. on December 31st my hubby put on a Santa Claus costume (I of course was his granddaughter, as someone had to look pretty!) and he started to give out gifts for our baby and our family – the whole event was a success!!! Satisfied, our little boy went to bed and we continued with our New Year’s party. I thought to myself “My baby now knows that Grandpa frost comes all the way from Russia just to visit him in America!”

The morning after, around 9:00 a.m. we heard a knock on our door – who could that be? We stopped partying at 4:00 o’clock in the morning and surely were not expecting anyone at this hour. (See, there is another Russian tradition: the way you celebrate New Year will be the same way you’ll spend it, so we Russians go out of our way to make sure we have  the best time New Year’s night.)

I opened the door still in my PJs and there was a Rabbi standing at our door wanting to wish us a happy first New Year in America. You should have seen the horror on his face when he saw our New Year’s Tree with the star on top of it. He almost fainted! We invited him inside and offered him some water.  

Little did we know – apparently Jews here were not supposed to have trees in their house during winter Holidays. It took us a while and finally we convinced our Rabbi that it was not a Christmas tree, but a Chanukah bush and since were Russian Jews (what the heck he meant by that I still don’t know.) he allowed us to carry on with our tradition. Since that day forward we have our New Year/Chanukah bush and still love it! Our little boy who is 22 now still expects gifts for Chanukah and and for New Year – yey for Russian – American traditions. Success!

Yes, it’s all fun, but you know what’s even more fun is to create a “Fu*k it” list! Ellie from Elena Rensley had created her “Fu*k it” list and I absolutely loved the idea, so here is mine:

Never again will I fit in size 4 clothes. (Heidi Klum is not a real person, giving birth to 4 kids and looking like her is not humanly possibly).

I will never complete a parachute jump (I am petrified of heights, the closest thing I came to is Ziplining)

Never achieve a perfectly clean house or closets (home is where the mess is!).

Follow the latest fashion trends (call me an old-fashion, but I still like my morning paper delivered to my front door).

Will never be a runner(I tried once and almost killed myself).

Understand what American Football is! (don’t try to explain it to me, I will never get it).

Like white chocolate (it suppose to be black, people!, everything else is just like eating sweet fat).

   Do you see the difference, I dont!

Care about Star Wars! (Cinnabon buns on Princess Leah’s head?!…..)

Worry about who likes me. (Comes with the territory – love to be in my 40s).