just because…..

I need to do something with myself because I am dying of boredom. I need to open up a blog and share my thoughts with the world, whether the world cares about my thought or not.
So here you go:
I am blank today, have nothing to say but really want to, just need to come up with some ideas that are close to my heart and my soul. Give me a moment and I’ll get there I swear, I will…….
….And by the way I’ve been meaning to start writing again (yes again) for the longest time, but it’s just I sit in front of computer all day long and the thought of another few hours or even few minutes in front of my new shiny box, call laptop is making me cringe. I know it’s just an excuse, because I do sit in front of another shiny box call TV…..
Anyway….. the reason I said again (see above) is because when I was a little girl, I loved to write, I always had diaries and I even published one of my little stories in the local newspaper back in my hometown of Kishinev, unfortunately I have no proof now, but trust me I did it, but then life happened, college, marriage, kids, immigration, making a leaving in USA. I totally lost who I am, but not to worry I think I am back slowly but surely and now in our wonderful new world of technology it’s so easy to express yourself and let the whole world know about it too.
I won’t say anything new if I say these words by Alanis Morriset are describing me the best:
I am bitch, I am a lover, I am a child, I am a mother
I am sinner, I am saint, I do not feel ashamed
I am your hell, I am in your dream I am noting in between
You know you wound’t want it any other way
I probably could add few adjectives, but why spoil a good lyrics.
As I said before I am bored, and every time I am bored something “terrible” happened, for example I indulge myself in unnecessary on-line shopping or, lose myself (I found out yesterday its call creeping) in different Facebook accounts and just go through their photos. You right it is kind of creepy.
I don’t want to be a cliché but as of this moment I want to talk of course about my kids.
I never thought that I will be a mother of 2 boys. My mom actually got very upset when she found out that I am carrying another boy. (she well recovered right after we brought him home from the hospital)
My mom and I are both products of the Soviet Union Society, what this mean is that the daughter is the one who will be responsible for the aging parents later in life. I remember very well how my maternal g-mother lived with us and my paternal g-mother lived with my aunt.
Anyway my boys, the love of my life, but this is not something new for any mothers out there.
Our life is not the same after we become mothers and there is something I want to share with you and I would like to know if any of you have the same felling?
By American standards in the 90s I was a very young mother, I was only 22 when my first son was born.
(Giving birth in former Soviet Union is one subject that needs a totally different blog time, some day maybe)
When I was in labor and later when I was giving birth to him I had a feeling that I am being separated with myself (let me explain) I got so used to him being in me that when the time came for him to come out I felt that part of me left me, I am not sure if I make any since. ….. and my world changed forever.
I don’t know about you mothers out there, but I have a syndrome of a first born child……

I guess for someone who has nothing to say I’ve said a lot on my very first try and believe me
I have a lot more to say! Hopefully I will have the will and the desire to share it with you and hopefully there is someone out there, who has a desire to read my scribbles.
So now, on the subject of the first born. What I am trying to say is that my expectation of him a lot higher that my expectation of my second child. Everything what did not realized in my live, like playing piano, writing a book, getting in to the college I wanted to get to (different subject) I really want to for him to have.
At the age of 5 he started piano lessens, they did not lasts for a long time but he went on to play a guitar. He chose the major he wanted to choose and the college he wanted to choose without anybody telling him they have a quota for Jewish people for this particular college or that one, but it’s not just that, it’s something even greater than that. It’s me achieving all my dreams through him.
On the other hand for my second born child, I just want him to be healthy and happy, make sure he is fed and cleaned, and in my heart I know that he also be the one who will make me proud and will realize my fading dreams.


About Ariana

I came to USA about 20 years from former USSR. I am an American Citizen with a heavy Russian Accent. My two boys always make fun of my English. I love to write, I usually do it for me, but if you would like to stop and leave a comment it would be great! I ‘d love to share with you my American World with the hint of my Russian Personality.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s